Over dinner, the conversation with friends revolved around the dynamics in a family, especially with the next generation coming of age. Each family has its own composition, history and dynamics. The temperaments of people in each family are unique and different, and yet, there is a common question that every family asks itself – ‘what does it take to keep the family together?’

The ability for a family member to be part of the collective without losing one’s individuality is key. Although not easy, when there is individual space in togetherness, the family becomes a joy to be part of rather than feeling suffocated and frustrated.

We often say that several friends are family to us. It is absolutely true that many friends are very much a part of our life and are always there for us. Yet, we must remember that we don’t live with them. Living together on a daily basis is bound to bring its share of interpersonal dynamics. Families stay together when we learn to let go of small issues and petty hurts, rather than letting go of the relationships.

Often the issue in families is not necessarily what the decision was, but rather who decides and how was the decision made. For the elders to be inclusive and the youngsters to be trusting is a balance that keeps harmony.

Some are born into a family, and some become part of it by alliance. We often forget that it is tougher for the person moving into a new family and becoming part of it. The onus, though equally on both, is initially greater on the family one is becoming part of. A seed needs nourishing soil to flourish and flower. Families that create the nurturing soil of acceptance and inclusiveness are filled with fun rather than friction.

Every family has experienced that love is the glue that holds it together. But love in itself, though absolutely necessary, is not sufficient. The foundation of respect sustains the love and strengthens the bond.

And yet, even though everything is going well, sometimes it may be practical to realign the structure as the family grows and multiple generations and cousins find themselves co-existing. When this is thought through with fairness and objectivity, even though separate units, families remain connected like trees in a forest – standing independent, and yet deeply connected at the roots, supporting each other when a storm comes.

Each family is unique and will have its own answers, but each family will be well served to periodically pause, see how everyone is doing and ask itself the fundamental question – ‘what does it take to keep the family together?’

(Picture – Porto di Desenzano, Italy)