Even though we know that a strong family is a source of strength and security, this beautiful microcosm often disintegrates, leaving much hurt and anguish. Even though the role of family in our lives is so clear, we may not be so clear as to why seemingly happy families break up. Reflecting on this will serve us well in protecting something precious that we have.
When individual aspirations are not recognised, the natural tension starts, first in a small way but over time, like a pressure cooker, the tension builds up. Even though a family is a collective system, the needs of the individuals in it are equally important. If families don’t provide for individuals to express and explore their ambitions, the silent suppression can lead to the family breaking up.
Even though there may be love and trust, clarity on principles, values, and practical things is equally important. The unsaid assumed system can often lead to sharp misunderstandings and discontent. Unwillingness to clarify and discuss grey areas can lead to a family breaking up.
Living together can be a great joy, and yet sometimes small petty differences and misunderstandings can creep in. We often brush them away as insignificant, but these small issues have a nasty way of snowballing into an avalanche of emotions, sometimes after several years. When the air is not cleared, and sometimes awkward and difficult conversations are avoided, the surface peace can shatter leading to the family breaking up.
The beauty of a family is the different generations that co-exist. They nurture and learn from each other, making the experience enjoyable and meaningful. But this generational mix can also become a potential problem if not handled responsibly. When respect gets confused with authority, acceptance gets compromised at the altar of ego and control, leading to the family breaking up.
We often get the feeling that we need to compromise in a family. We forget that compromise if viewed correctly, is not a negative. It is a give and take. So if sometimes we have to give in, there are times we also get when someone else gives in. It is only when hydrogen and oxygen are both willing to compromise their individual structure can they combine to form water.
Keeping a family together does take effort. It is when we ask ourselves the question whether the effort is worth it, is when the first signs of the latent discontent are coming to our conscious awareness, and is the time we need to take a step back and reflect on what needs to be done. And when in good times we experience the immense love and joy that a family can be, we will know in our heart that every effort is worth it to keep a family together. A strong family can be the best legacy we leave for our children.
(Picture-Canadian Rockies)
Widowed when the son, the only child, was in his early teens, a mother brought him up with great love. She worked hard to clear the loan she had inherited, educated the son, built a lovely house and got the son married to the girl with whom he was in love. Within months the family broke up with son choosing to leave the house with his new wife to her father’s house! Shows just love without understanding the deeper needs, seeing realities and good counselling are also important. Of course these aren’t possible without a deeper level of trust.